My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
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Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.