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Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
🙄😏😂🤣
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”