The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
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It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
The photographer’s assistant
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Bro what is this
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*