[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
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I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
When someone trying to leave me
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
my mind
You just read my mind