Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
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Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body