My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
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*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Bobby pin
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]