Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
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How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting