Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one