End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
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“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already