Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
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“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
when there are deer in the woods
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
giddy up Office Depot