A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
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My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
How dramatic are you?
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.