BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
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Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.