DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
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Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.