me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
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I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing