Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
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a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?