captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
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they should invent a hydrating liquor
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?