My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
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Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos