The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
You Might Also Like
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.