To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
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If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
🍛
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]