ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
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If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
👾👾👾
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me