Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
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The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?