[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
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My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
They also CAN sing✌️
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I hope it’s French Onion!
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot