Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
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Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.