{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
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I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Spider-cat: No One Home
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it