Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
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I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up