[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
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[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Guantanamo Bae
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?