Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
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I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.