My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
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I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.