I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
You Might Also Like
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.