Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
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sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
ready to be harvested
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.