Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
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Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]