COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
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I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.