[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
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Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
🚲+physics = winner
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.