I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
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Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
The Friday File.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.