And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
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An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.