We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
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[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Reporter: *ports again*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!