Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
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It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Interior design 👌
They’re the worst 😩
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance