*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
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How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
back to work
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe