I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
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me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*