Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
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“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.