Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
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Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.