*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
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[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Happy Halloween 🎃
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
My Sentiments Exactly
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.