Who called it cremation and not ashashination
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when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.