Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
You Might Also Like
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
just pretend nothing happened
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?