three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
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I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Your honor these allegations are
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
pat pat
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…