Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
You Might Also Like
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine