What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
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garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.