Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
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“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)