Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
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Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Coffee for people with no kids
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline