in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
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Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.